But I Love You
by hnnhhrtsk127
Summary: This is about Karkat and the way he feels about Terezi after she dumps him. (Everything is going to work out fine in the end.) It's sad and pretty tough at first, so prepare yourself. This is partially based off of my own experiences. This involves slight Dave/Terezi and Gamzee/Terezi but not quite. Rated T for language, theme, and perhaps grown up content later.


**Note: This may be a bit deep or painful for you at first, so please don't get upset at me. I based this off of personal experiences and put this into words through Karkat since I identify with him more than any other character in homestuck. I don't know how well I portrayed him. I will update soon, I just wanted to get this out there because I was excited. Enjoy!**

* * *

"I'm so sorry." Karkat slid down the wall, curling his knees into his chest. The tears he cried were not elegant or pretty, the noises he made were not pleasant. "I am so sorry..."

He had hurt someone he loved. He hurt them, and he could see the pain. To make it only the worse, they were shoving him away, showing him how awful he really was. Karkat shook with sobs, his face turning puffy.

"It's over. I'm in pain. What else is there?" She looked down at him, almost with disgust. "Really..."

Karkat stuttered, he had never felt so worthless. He hated himself with a new burning passion. He looked up as she walked away, tears streaming down his face. He banged his head back against the wall, not nearly as hard as he wanted to. He wanted to crush his skull. He wanted to die. He was so scared to face the world. The "I told you so"s and the "you're an asshole"s that would await him. Slowly, he picked himself off of the ground and walked into the lab. He looked over at Kanaya, sprinting towards her and wrapping his arms around her.

"I hurt her, Kanaya. She hates me." He sobbed, letting the taller troll gingerly wrap her arms around him.

"Karkat, it's going to be okay. Just breathe. It'll be okay."

He sobbed into the female's shirt for a bit, trying not to make too much noise. He was trying so hard not to collapse. Karkat tried to calm down his breathing, but he just kept hiccuping and gasping for air that he couldn't quite get to fill his lungs. This only made him cry harder. He felt so awful, so lost. He had given her all of his time and all of his thought. His entire world revolved around her, and now his entire world was falling apart. He knew where she was. She was probably off flirting with Dave. How he hated that relationship, but he had known for a long time that Dave was something she saw as better. He was cool, he wore red, he was blond, he was funny, he was attractive. Karkat pulled away from Kanaya and wiped away his tears, making the skin around his eyes burn.

"Everything happens for a reason," Kanaya said, looking down at him.

"Yeah, yeah. I know." He tried not to get angry at Kanaya. "I'll live. . ."

There was no reason for this at all. This was just his punishment for being a bad troll. He knew this was his fault, but Terezi had changed. She was rude to him and she would say mean things about their relationship on occasion. She never stopped messaging Dave, and she told him everything about their relationship. It made Karkat so furious at one point he picked up the glass figure she had given him and smashed it to bits. Of course, he had fallen to the ground and sobbed about it for a few hours, letting the shards dig into his grey skin. It was also the day he had gotten mad about her taking photos with her exmatesprit and told her to leave him alone. She had then proceeded to make him feel like a complete fuck up for the next six hours as his lusus screeched at him about it.

Karkat allowed himself to be somewhat lectured about how all of this would work out for a few minutes before he turned and left. Terezi was talking with Dave and looking so happy. Dave looked over at Karkat smugly. At that point, John came over.

"I hate this. He's only trying to make you mad." John looked sad, resting a hand on Karkat's shoulder.

Karkat lost it. His chest hurt and he was shaking. Storming over, he yelled, standing as tall as he could manage to scare Dave. Dave threw his hands up and backed away. "That's it!" he exploded. "I've had enough! You're such a fucking pain in the ass!" Terezi went to grab him, but he jerked away before she could slap him again like she had earlier that day. Dave was denying it. "I can't fucking stand either of you. Just go drop off of the meteor and save the rest of the pain of your presence!"

He left, looking over at John, who had his hands over his mouth. Karkat wanted to die.

That day he tried his best not to throw up. He was not able to eat at all. Jade tried her best to be comforting, but it didn't help much. It was like his heart was trying to get out of his chest and commit suicide. Everything hurt so much, and he felt like it was all just a dream. He was almost expecting Terezi to run in and hug him, to say how much she loved him just like before. She had always made him feel like he had a reason to live, but he now felt empty. Those sleeping pills Sollux used looked so inviting at this point. However, he was scared to die. He knew that the bubbles would not get him out of it. He would still see her, but much worse. He would see twenty versions of her, possibly one hundred. He slammed his head back against the wall and his vision blurred for a second.

"Ouch..." A few tears streaked down his face.

* * *

A week passed and he got a message from Terezi.

-gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-

GC: H3Y, K4RKL3S. C4N W3 G1V3 TH1S ON3 MOR3 TRY?

CG: I. . . CAN I HAVE SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT?

GC: Y34H. 1 UND3RST4ND. 1 LOV3 YOU.

GC: 1 PROM1S3 1'LL L34V3 D4V3 4LON3.

GC: 3V3RYTH1NG C4N GO B4CK TO HOW W3 W3R3 B3FOR3.

CG: I JUST DON'T TRUST YOU, TEREZI. I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY. EVERYTHING WITH DAVE AND GAMZEE THIS WEEK. YOU'RE NOT THE SAME PERSON.

GC: 1'M R34LLY SORRY. 1'LL GO NOW.

GC: 1 LOV3 YOU.

-gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] disconnected-

He lay down and sobbed into the pile of horns for a while, thinking about what he should do. He didn't wake up until the next day, groggy and puffy faced. Terezi was right there, looking down at him strangely. He had made up his mind, so he stood up and smiled.

"Hey." Karkat walked towards her, reaching out to hug her. "I love you."

"No. Stop."

His heart dropped into his feet. That was it, he knew it. She was just dragging him around by a string now, like dangling a piece of cheese in front of a small rodent beast. He remembered back when she shoved him backwards because she felt claustrophobic and when she got in his face as if she were going to hit him. Slowly, he backed off. He didn't like her getting violent, he didn't want to get hit.

"I. . . Why are you pulling me around on a string like this?" he asked. A few tears welled up in his eyes.

"I'm not," she fussed.

Karkat's heart just kept burning. He wanted to disappear into the black hole, again. It hurt so badly to do this again, after half a sweep of being matesprits and being best friends for two sweeps. Just to be standing there watching her crush his dignity under her shoes, it broke him. He began to cry as she said how they needed to wait for a sweep or so to start again. He had angrily asked if it was so she could fool around with Dave and Gamzee and not have to feel bad. She slapped him across the face for that question and then left him there to wallow in his depression. Her nails had left four red scratches on his cheek which burned, but not as much as his chest did.

"I hate you," he whimpered. Karkat slumped back down on the horn pile with a honk and a few more honks. He lay there for a while, trying to block out the meteor. Finally, he drifted off to sleep and didn't wake back up for a few days, all of which he spent in dream bubbles working through the pain.

Karkat hung out with many of the dancestors during this time. He preferred the company of Meenah over most of the others' because she was just a bit less insane. Porrim was pretty cool as well. The Ampora kept hitting on him and trying to woe him with odd pick up lines and bad guitar playing. At some point, he met Kurloz who seemed fascinated by Karkat's anger and tried to get him into some kind of voodoo. Karkat avoided him almost immediately.

When he woke up, Karkat flailed his way out of the pile of horns. His limbs were sore from sleeping in the same position for so long. So, he maneuvered his way carefully to an empty room and sat down on the soft pile of blankets. It was the one thing he didn't actually mind the humans bringing with them. Sinking into the fluffy blue comforter, Karkat pulled a book from the shelf. _Gone With the Wind__. _He'd read the book a few times and thanked Jade for letting him borrow it. It wasn't bad for a human book, with it's romance, a strong lead character, and the tale of a large war that apparently split a world in half. The northern part of their world won and freed the black colored people. He'd never realized how variously colored humans were until then. They enslaved different colored people. It made him a bit confused at first.

It wasn't long until he found himself forgetting the place around him. It made him feel at peace to get away from his thoughts.

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**Thanks for making it to the end of chapter one! I'll be back soon with more!**


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